Novembers musings

The end of November! how can that be?, One minute it was August and now we are preparing for Christmas. I remember the hopes of summer, to provide lots of vegetables, herbs and fruits for the family from our own back yard, to make our own washing, cleaning and toiletry products, to reduce consumption of paper products, foil and plastics, mostly the books I found for story telling nights or hand made crafts ideas are still on a pin-interest list or waiting to be read. Some things are going ‘well’ though and some things have had to be put on a back burner. Life had her own plan for us after C3, 4 and 5 flew the nest this year. With a spare room set up as a therapy room and flyers ready to promote them, C4 experienced worrying health symptoms and with a land lord wanting C4’s flat back at the end of a 6 month lease C4 moved back home. Therapies suddenly are no longer the focus and for the moment  studies are not important on my agenda. I am more aware than ever that to live means to be in the present moment with awareness, I have seen that moving at speed to meet my own expectations, trying to fit in all my ideals can become a cause of suffering, like racing to get through the next study paper in order to get it in the next post, wanting to make a meal from scratch with home grown produce can lead to dissatisfaction if its not achieved and joy in the food preparation can become lost and its blessing overlooked, In the wanting to make the Xmas gifts, wanting to have a storytelling time, in all this wanting I can forget the blessedness of life. Zooming through our mental tick lists allows no time to immerse in the experience of now or  move in the direction of wisdom. Growing in the garden we have Tuscany kale, parsnips, savoy cabbage, brussels and beetroot, a few remaining leeks, there are some herbs, mint and chamomile for me still to pick  and I am blessed. In vision I would have my deep beds down and some covered for spring crops, and how I would love a poly tunnel, but my lesson is to let it go and to enjoy thoroughly in my every cell what ‘is’. Did I do ‘better’ last year? will I do ‘better’ next year, it is irrelevant, can I ‘strive’ less would be to live ‘better’, all is changing nothing stays permanent, maybe I can let expectations of how it ‘should’ be go and I will laugh more and relax more. Some times I do ‘well’ this is my judgemental mind, I manage to meditate, make meals from the garden, teach an engaging lesson, If I manage to cycle everywhere and maybe write to my sponsored girls I ‘feel’ I have achieved a good week, but how about if I manage to experience this wellbeing when I am doing the laundry, chatting to my husband, children, grandchildren, neighbour, friends.If I walked in my garden thanking the earth for its dark soil, and thanking the weather, thankful  for the life giving rain and sun, the seasons for the beauty they afford our senses, for creation in its diversity for now I am beginning to see the diversity and the connection in everything. I walk and I touch, smell and see, I am thankful to the plants here in my garden they have grown and will feed us, now I start to see insects and hear the birds, these things had been dull to me only a moment ago, and my soul starts to stir and my heart begins to well up and over flow, this then is my happiness. In my ‘failures’ and in the unexpected I begin to find deep gratitude and peace like an ‘aha’ moment and all the tension just drains away. Not worried now about what lies ahead just in gratitude for the moment  

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